ipsyxed: Sed quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Another Brick In the Wall

2007-03-12T07:24:17Z

So everything has been topsy turvy. Works been weird, threats of layoffs due to a declining market, no one knowing how deep it will run, everyone afraid for their job, that sort of stuff. I'm going to keep on trucking, s'all I can do.

My friend came over yesterday, and as we were kicking back talking I know now that I live a life full of regrets and sorrows, but the important fact is that I still live life. I don't let myslef get in my way anymore. I've done a lot of stupid things, and I know that I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't do them, I just wish I could be the same person without making the mistakes that brought me here. Every heartache and headache I've caused and has been caused to me has shaped me, and while I carry this guilt around with me like I cross, I'm not on it. It's just a constant reminder of the path that I've taken through life.

All in all, just another brick in the wall.

Smashing Pumpkins - Eye

I lie, I wait
I stop, I hesitate
I am, I breathe
I meant, I think of me

Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough

I taste, I love
I come, I bleed enough
I hate, I'm not
I was, I want too much

Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me
Is it any wonder I found peace through you?
Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned
Turn away from light
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch
It's not enough, just a touch

It has happened

2007-03-01T00:25:41Z

ACC Cap is going to be bought by Citicorp.

Or given more "capital".

All the finacial speak gives me a headache.

**CORRECTION** looks like half the companies is getting bought out.

Today

2007-02-27T18:49:45Z

So my co-worker won a weight loss challenge-y thingie. 1100 bucks. Not a bad payout, but they wen't through hell to lose 30 lbs.

Not my bag. I prefer to enjoy life to it's gluttonous, greasy cheesy goodness.

But I do want to go play racquetball now.

ipsyxed @ 2007-02-26T12:04:00

2007-02-26T20:04:00Z

So on the plus side, my last paychecque covered Rent, my insurance payment, and my student loan payment that I accidentally placed on a closed checking account..

On the downside, I've got all of 40 bucks till next paycheck, and that wil leventually go to gas.

LAME.

ipsyxed @ 2007-02-26T11:09:00

2007-02-26T19:10:28Z

I can access LJ from work, that has such a tight bloody grip on what we can and can't access on the interwebs(which are for porn).

I win!

Anger or disappointment.

2007-01-05T06:55:46Z

I don't know which it is.

**EDIT**
When I wrote this, I had just woken up from crashing out at about 5:30 in the evening. Then I went back to back at around 12 or 1, and woke up again at 5:30. I'm just glad it's friday.
**EDIT**

And I don't know myself. What I know know is that I am so fucking depressed, and angry at everything, especially today of all random days. I fell asleep at around 6 PM because I Could, have had very fitful pieces of sleep, and decided to give my bed a break and wake up for a bit.

There are things that I think that I don't write down here, because some people do read this and I don't want to worry them, or give them cause for alarm when I am feeling particularly melodramatic, but goddamn, it's getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning, and I wish I could say it wasn't that i missed her.

I'm such a damned fatalist, whats the point in trying if everything goes away in the end, and all that jazz.

I just want to sleep forever sometimes.

Assemblage 23 - Underneath the Ice
I can feel the violence
Spill across the floor
My eyes have grown too clouded
To see it anymore

Fading into nothing
Turning into steam
Left in desparation
With nothing to redeem

Underneath the ice I find
A place to rest my weary mind
The cold deep water numbs my pain
Until I can face myself again

Waiting for redemption
That never seems to come
Hands reach beneath the surface
But I don't know where from

I'm not ready to return yet
I just need a moment more
So I can try to remember
What it is I came here for

Underneath the ice I find
A place to rest my weary mind
The cold deep water numbs my pain
Until I can face myself again

Sinking Fast
Too dark to see
The buzzing din
Envelopes me
Too late now
Nowhere to go
I'm sinking in
The undertow

left of the rock, right at the hard place, thats where I am.

2007-01-04T02:02:19Z

I never liked getting between friends fighting, and lovers' quarrels are so much fucking worse. I have to watch what I say, and walk on eggshells, cause I don't want to let one side or the other know that I've been talked to about it, because they will almost immediately want me to pick a bloody side. Not my thing, I try to be a neutral party, a side of my own.

I suppose thats the selfish part of me, I don't want to want to be in a losing position.

Y'know, I don't know if that is a bad thing or not...

Is it survival instinct, or greed?

Hmmm, something to ponder.

Living in the Shell
Steve Conte/Yoko Kanno

Roaming inbetween the worlds of sleep and awake
Seems so far away from where I've been and untrue but unafraid
Intrusting -- my soul -- I know I must be taken to see the world that is
Not so far from now

Imaginations come and sweep the shores of my mind
Letting it be, visions pass, and emotions arise--
Letting them go, and beyond are doors I've never seen, opening one by one

(Wake up and show the light, wake up the time is right)
I hear a voice, hear a voice calling out to me
Look inside, see the light now ever holding you
All the truth is all you need to make of your reality, its right here
Look deep within your shell

Finding out a galaxy of planets and stars within me
Listening to each of them singing the same silent melody
I've never seen such beauty in possibility -- no speck of doubt or fear

(Wake up and show the light, wake up the time is right)
I hear a voice, hear a voice calling out to me
I see inside, see the light now ever holding me
All the truth, all I need to make of this reality it's -- beauty within the shell

(Wake up and show the light, wake up the time is right)
I hear a voice, hear a voice calling out to me
I see inside, see the light now ever holding me
All the truth, all I need to make of this reality, it's inside
Right here within this shell

The sandglass starts for another time's beginning from within
Cotton fields, mama's arms are gently unfolding me into the new...

(Wake up and show the light, wake up the time is right)
[Reading]
Here from behind my sight, my thoughts my mind
Show from the light
The time is right
And from the depth within show the balance
Of outer and inner harmony
Mind and heart, soul and spirit undivided
Here's where teh true strength and beauty lies
We'll see this before us with our own eyes
We'll see, with our own eyes... LOVE

(Wake up and show the light, wake up the time is right)
I hear a voice, hear a voice calling out to me
I see inside, see the light now ever holding me
All the truth, all I need to make of this reality it's -- beauty within the shell

Cheated

2006-12-29T05:41:57Z

I feel gypped and cheated by life.

Damn you chance. Damn you for being the House in the gamble that is life, and damn you for always winning in the end.

Damn you for tempting me with her, then tearing her away from me, for pulling the classic tablecloth trick on me.

And damn myself for having such a hard time living without her.

She probably won't come back. we'll both end up footnotes in each others lives.

Damn you for confusing and hurting me again chance. Gods damn you.

Tool - Sober

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path,"but must we"
just because the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past is done?
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something from the past is done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but the past and done.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but the past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever.
I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust Me.

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start things over.
Why can't we sleep forever.
I just want to start this over.

I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.

... truly, I want what I want...

Lessons I've Learned

2006-12-17T05:22:17Z

This past year I've learned two invaluable lessons, that probably only apply to me. TO fully understand sorrow, I needed to do two things. I needed to destroy something beautiful, and have something beautiful destroy me.

I now know how deep that rabbit hole goes. And right now I only have up to travel. I'm just too numb right now to face it. One day though, I will. For both of them. They wouldn't want me to stay here in this hole.

And for me. I don't want to stay in this hole.

Green Day - Westbound Sign

Boxed up
All of her favorite things
Sold the rest at a rainy yard sale
Big plans and leaving friends and
A westbound sign
Weighed out
Her choices on a scale
Prevailing nothing made sense
Just transportation and a
Blank decision...

She's taking off
Taking off...
Taking off...
Taking off...

No time and no copping out
She's burning daylight and petrol
Blacked out the rearview mirror
Heading westward on
Strung out
On confusion road
And ten minute nervous breakdowns
Xanex a beer for thought
And she determined...

She's taking off
Taking off...
Taking off...
Taking off...

Is it salvation?
Or an escape from discontent?
Will she find her name
In the California cement?
Punched out of the grind
That punched her one too many times...
Is tragedy 2000 miles away?

She's taking off
Taking off...
Taking off...
Taking off...

Endgame

2006-12-15T06:07:16Z

Is tomorrow. It's our last weekend. I leave for Elsinore right after work.

I can't give a retrospective on this.

I think I've ran over a friend. It sucks, but I warned her, distance will be our downfall. San Diego is Fucking Far.

Work is good. I come up with interesting problems that make my bosses work, It's quite amusing.

MY car fucking sucks. The gears are grinding, the check engine light is on again and I don't know why. I just got the rear gasket fixed. 500+ dollars.

Elsinore, and maybe Anaheim afterwards, will be my last trips outside of work and the occaisonal trips to the arboretum.

I need to lose weight, but am far to stressed to place that on my top 10 things I need to fucking do.

Goddamn I'm horny. I guess I get horny when I am just about to be depressed. Maybe.

Heartsparkdollarsign.

2006-12-06T02:16:37Z

It's been a hard past few weeks, and next week is going to be harder. I don't even know why i am writing this.

Johnny Five's party: Post Mortem

2006-09-04T18:27:27Z

Twas a good time. We went to... an italian restaruant that I can't remember in downtown Fullerton, many hijinx ensued, then at about 9:30 or so we all trickled back to Johnny's pad for hard drinking. It was pretty fun, I rmemeber most of the night, had some interesting conversation, smoked like a chimney, drank a lot, and my sister seemed like she had a good time.

I got shot down by like three people to roll out with me. That hurt something FIERCE. Rae was originally raring to go, but she had family stuff come up that ran over; Lori was going to hang out with some of her friends, and Jill was tired from the weekend she had.

Bittersweet evening for Mark.

Counting Crows - Hanging Around
She sat right down on the sofa,
I said where have you been? I've been waiting for you.
Cause last night I had something so good
These days get so long
And I've got nothing to do.

I've been hangin around this town on the corner
I've been bummin around this town so long
I've been hanging around this town on the corner
I've been bummin around this town way to long...

We spent all day getting sober
Just hiding from daylight,
Watching TV,
We just look a lot better in the blue light
You know I gotta get out, but i'm stuck so tight
weighed by the chains that keep me

Hanging around, this town on the corner,
I've been bumming around this ol town too long.
I've been hanging around this town on the corner
I've been bummin around this town way to long...

Well everybody trip.

This girl listens to the band play, she says hwere have you been?
I've been right here on the floor, right here on the floor.
Well I got all this time to be waiting, for what is mine
To be hating, what I am, after the light has faded

Hanging around, this town on the corner,
I've been bumming around this ol town too long.
I've been hanging around this town on the corner
I've been bummin around this town way to long...

Eh, it's probably for the best, as I got home crazy late and was feeling frisky. So no worries.

ipsyxed @ 2006-09-03T14:39:00

2006-09-03T21:50:36Z

Today is my friends birthday, so I'm rolling down to Fullerton to celebreate with him. I really don't know if I have the gas money, but alot of people backed out on him, so while I don't feel obligated, I don't get to see him often and he's my Johnny Five.

Somedays I do miss living in ANaheim, and all my friends who are not an hour's visit away. While I've met some cool people out here, there's a lot more cool people that I;ve left behind. Oh well, no worries...

Bloodhound Gang - Your Only Friends Are Make Believe

Knock knock Mr. Rogers,
It's Mr. McFeelie
I've brought you a letter,
Speedy delivery.

Well Mr. McFeelie,
If there's postage due
YOu can go fuck yourself,
Like Captain Kangaroo.

I can go to the land of Make-Beleive, and i can pretend.
But in the end, I still have no friends.

Mr. Rogers, I like your cardigan sweater.
Mr. McFeelie, shut up and give my my letter.
I don't want to talk to you, don't you understand?
Why are you inside my house, you're just my fuckin' mailman...

I can go to the land of Make-Beleive, and i can pretend.
But in the end, I still have no friends.

You can go to the land of Make-Believe, and you can pretend,
but in the end you still have no friends.

You can go to the land of Make-Believe, and you can pretend,
but in the end you still have no friends.

You're best friend is you?
I'm my best friend too,
We have the same views and hardly ever argue

Eat spam from the can
Watch late night C-SPAN
And rock out to old school Duran Duran. x4

Two in one day!

2006-08-25T06:36:01Z

Uncanny.

So I'm sitting here listening to Nothing Else MAtters, and I finally get it. It hits my truer then ever before. Because of what I am aspiring and sweating and aching and ultimately dying over: me and my own. Not in a selfish sense, but I have to fight for me, and this song really reminds me of Kat so much, because she brought me here, to the brink of where she could go, and told me to go my own way.

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters

A few things today

2006-08-24T19:54:41Z

I don't post very often. Its a lot like my friends, I generally don't contact people unless i have something to say, besides hey hows it going bullshit. But thats me. I'm weird that way. So here's some big thoughts going on in my head today:

Today's walk felt good. Really really good. I sweated a hell of a lot, in a good way, I laid down on some cool stone, and it was fucking panacea. It felt like I my sweat and body heat was all this negative energy, and the stone took all that heat and replaced it with cool relaxing peace. Very yin/yang. I was really irritated that I couldn't go yesterday, but that might have been for the better: it was really relaxing just hanging out at home and not doing a damn thing, except for the dog detail. And today i am going to work in a calm relaxed state, unless someone fucks up my calm before I get there. I doubt that will happen.

My second thought is more of a update to the two people who read this. I've gotten rid of my second deadweight friend. It was odd, considering I've only been acquaintances for a like a month, but she was on such a different page then me, she was in a different library. That bothered me, because she kept trying to dig deep into what I was saying, like i was hioding something, when I really wasn't. She was trying to find my motivations for things and I'm not comfortable delving that depth myself, let alone someone I've met only a week or so prior. When we fucked, she felt intensity come off of me, because I can be an intense person and I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and she misconstrued that as I had fallen for her or something. I don't like saying this, but my initial thought was: Bitch, I just met you and now you want to plan kids and shit? Out of character for me, I know, but eh, she already threw me off by not listening to what I was saying. Fast forward, and referring to my last update, I've been hard but at the same time I didn't give her all of my mind. So I let her know full bore: I don't beleive her. None of her shit makes sense, and I don't know why she's crying out for attention but Im not playing that game and have zero tolerance for little high school games like that, and told her not to contact me anymore. I feel a burden off my back, but I still feel like I should have told her I didn't beleive her from the get-go. I feel like I was not true to myself, and the back pedaling lowered me. But it's all good. Shedding deadweight is hard, really really hard especially since I endeavor to be such a nice person, but these two girls did nothing but try to mire me in their shit and thats not cool. I don't want to be someones hero, I just want to get my shit together.

My last thought occured maybe 5 minutes or so ago in the shower: I miss Kat. A lot. So so so so so so much, I actually ache still from it. And I've found I don't have tears to cry for her anymore, all I have left is a hoarse cry. I don't know if that means I'm starting to heal from losing her, or what, but I don't know, I felt off that I didn't have tears anymore. It sounds really stupid, but I've had in my mind that this was going to color my world from now on really. I still think it will; she was the first person I really know that I hurt, and came to realize it.

I still hate myself for it.

Blind Melon - No Rain

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
I like watching the puddles gather rain.
And all I can do, is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of veiw but it's not sane
It's not saaaaaaane

I just want someone to say to me, oh oh oh oh
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I 'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
so stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
and I start to complain that here's no rain
and all I can do is read a book to stay awake
and it rips my life away but it's a great escape

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
you don't like my point of view then i'm insane
It's not sane, it's not saaaaaane.

I just want someone to say to me, oh oh oh oh
I'll always be there when you wake, yeah
I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today,
so stay with me and i'll have it made...

Vindicated

2006-08-13T20:30:34Z

Man, it's been a wild and crazy couple of months so far. Work has sucked some MAJOR league nut, but thats OK. I'll plough through it like I do; and when the time is right either I'll jump ship or shit will get itself together.

Although the chances for this job are about the same that I will win the lottery. Without playing.

Ever since Kat's been gone, i've had to be hard for myself, because no one can be or should be. And I'm having to deal with telling someone, especially a girl, no. Thats so hard and against my nature, but I'm not going to allow myself to be run over roughshod. She say's she's special, and who am I to deny that? But that doesn't fly with me. My own personal rule is friends first lovers second, and I feel that she has tried to subvert my life to be in line with hers.

I'm not an aggressive person by nature, and while yeah I do have my moments they are few and far between and not usually public things. But I will follow my own path because I have too. In the end Ican only rely on me because I travel this alone. Of course my friends are there for when I need them, but they can't travel this path with me.

She thinks I am stupid for thinking this, and that I am trying to deny myself happiness. I see it as my journey to self-discovery and personal enlightenement, and my path to absolution of my past and sins, and the vindication that everyone who sees something in me and trusts what they see.

I will be more then just a shadow.

Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
Hope, dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption
Winding in, and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye
It roped me in so, mesmerizing, so hypnotizing, I am. captivated, I am

Vindicated I a selfish I am right I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along, I am flawaed,
But i am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
so clear

like the diamond in your ring cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye
and rendered me so, isolated, so, motivated, I am
certain now that i am,

Vindicated I am selfish I am wrong, I am right I swear I'm right,
Swear I knew it all along and I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me know the things you swore you saw yourself.

So sigh at the corners of your lips, part them and feel my fingertips
Chase the moment for forever,
Deefense is paper thin, just one touch, and I'd be in too
deep now, to ever swim, against the current,
So let me slip away, So let me slip away, So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current, So let me slip away,
So let me slip away, So let me slip away, So let me slip away....

Vindicated I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right I swear I knew it all along
I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well, I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

My hope, dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption.

I am living my life on a razor's edge, and I don't care to be pushed.

Realizations

2006-07-20T16:02:33Z

I've noticed a big transformation in myself as of late, going from go with the flow to actually moving towards what I want, not what I and someone else want. I've finally realized something, with the help of my friends and looking back, no one wants a man servant, people want a man.

Don't, disturb, the beast, the temperamental, the snal, while he's feeding on the rose, stay frozen compromise, what, I, will I am.

So far it's baby steps, but it's real goals and wants that i aim for now, and now I truly have a workable goal to aim for, instead of deluding myself just looking for a good paying job with stability. I know what I awant and it's a freeing, yet scary thought at the same time. Part of the veil is dropped and the first brick in the wall has been removed, but that wall needs to be removed to build the foundation for myself.

Bend around, again, silently thrown, about, again, I'm treading so soft, and, lightly compromising my, will I am.

So now my eyes are a little bit more opened, and through any perceived hardship I've faced and caused I do see a path that I want, and have made the first few steps towards that goal.

I am, I will, so no, longer, will I, lay down, play dead, play your doe in the headlights locked down and terrified your deer in the headlights shut down and horrified when push, comes to pull, comes to shove, comes to step around this self destructive dance that never would have mattered till I rose, I roared aloud, here, my, will I am.

This is it, my roar and keen, this is my path until something more right comes along. But I don't think it will. Iwant to thank two friends in particular: Danny for always what and being there when I needed him, and Jackie for always listening no matter what, then spinning my bullshit right back at me and making me face what I just said. I have not fully yet discovered myself, but I will not allow myself to be silenced when I do have something to say. To all the rest of my friends, I want to thank you guys for caring about me too, and keeping tabs on my dumbass. This really has been a year of growing for me, and I am grateful that you are all there to stand by me if I need you too.

I am, I will, so no longer, will I, lay down, play dead, play this, beatdown, gun shy, martyr, pitiful, I rose, I roared, I will, I am.

Now if someone will give me a winning lotto ticket, or some winning numbers, I'd be set! >:)

A Perfect Circle - Rose

Already posted in my journal d00ds.

Zero Day

2006-06-21T04:00:33Z

Well, today was the day. As of 10:15 or so AM, Kat officially left for Oregon. I am now currently in the Zero Day, as the title says.

But, you know, even though I cried off and on the 2 hours after she left, I called up my friend and we went out. I couldn't just sit her and mope and get depressed. IF I did that, then I'd just dwell on it and sink deeper and deeper into the quicksand that is self pity. We went to see X-3 again, was cool and had a good time hanging with him and his female friend as well.

Talked with David about why she left, gave him the number 2 reason she left; which was because of our goal differences. The number one reason is him and his feelings and issues and hang ups and HIM. He has been the biggest thorn in our side since pretty much day one.

But I feel the obligation to stay, so she has to go.

But thats ok, Joel is actually better then me for her; they have alot more in common, he has more common sense then me, and he likes to go out and do weird things like she does.

But I have a feeling that tonight and tomorrow are going to be especially hard for me.

The Beatles - Yesterday
Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I beleive, in Yesterday...

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh Yesterday, came suddenly,
Why, she, had to go I don't know,
She wouldn't say,
I, said, something wrong
now I long, for Yesterday,

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
now i need a place to hide away,
Oh I beleive,
in Yesterday,

Why, she, had to go I don't know,
She wouldn't say,
I said,
Something wrong,
Now I long for Yesterday...

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away
OH I believe, in YEsterday..
now I long, for yesterday...
hmmm mmm mmm mmm mmmmmmm

ipsyxed @ 2006-05-23T17:44:00

2006-05-24T00:55:50Z

The Red Queen was right, the faster you run, the more you stay still. I can't sleep, and when I do I stay tired all day, I'm irritable, and goddamnit, alcohol looks better and better each passing day. I knew it was going to be hard, but this is insanity. Every time she thinks about her friends she gets upset and hurt, and I can understnad that, and each time I get yelled at. I'm the first one to admit, I was the one to fuck up. I was the one who cheated. But Jesus jumping on a pogo stick, stay pissed at me or not, I can't handle this up and down shit. My stomach is in knots, I'm irritated and pissed myself but in good conscience I can't yell at her. She doesn't deserve it.

You know, if I never met her, or if I never dated her, or if she left me at my first or even second fuck up, I think she would have been a lot better off. She may not have gleaned from our relationship such experience at such a cost. She feels isolated and that no one is her friend. Nothing I say or do can really fix that. I'll be there, of course, but I think she thinks I will be there because I have to be, not because I want to be. I'm over that. I'm through with people holding me to unreasonable oaths. That's why i'll declare bankruptcy before I borrow money from my mom or David again, I won't have them hold that over me like a goddamned sword of Damocles. That I can't have a life of my own and spend money enjoying myself because I have debt. If I don't, I swear to god I will go insane and do something stupid.

At the same time, it feels like that slope is very, very slippery. She said today that I don't deserve this guilt. She's wrong, I deserve this, and more. Because when she goes, I'll still live. I won't immeadiately go into the house and end it. That sounds fatalistic and stupid, I know. But essentially, I violated her trust, abused her emotionally, and metaphorically saw the core of her being and said, "It's not enough."

But contrary to myself, I won't make myself the bad guy. I try to spin things as a not bad guy/good guy thing.

Why?

Because I am the bad guy, I just don't want to admit it.

This is why I disgust myself, and don't really know if I want another long term emotional relationship. I'm not mature enough to accept what comes with them.

Because I am the bad man.

The bad man behind blue eyes.

/angst off.

Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man,
Behind blue eyes.
And no one knows what it's like, to be hated, to be faded,
To telling only lies.

But my dreams, they aren't as empty, as my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely, my love is vengeance, thats never free

No one knows what it's like, to feel these feelings, like I do
And I blame you.
No one bites back as hard on their anger,
none of my pain will get you through.

But my dreams, they aren't as empty, as my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely, my love is vengeance, thats never free

No one knows what it's like, to be mistreated, to be defeated,
behind blue eyes,
And no one knows how to say, that their sorry, and don't worry,
I'm not telling lies.

But my dreams, they aren't as empty, as my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely, my love is vengeance, thats never free

No one knows what it's like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes...

This song has spoken truly to me since I've heard it.

Changes

2006-01-06T03:24:53Z

It's an interesting feeling, providing shelter and succor to thine enemy. But I guess enemy is a relative term.

History:

Kat and I are not meant for each other. It's taken a long time for me to think about it and not get deeply depressed. Fact of the matter: we are compatible 99.9% spot on. But that .1%, well, thats not something that can be comprimised on. She's free spirited, a wanderer in the truest sense. I've done my wandering. I've had to reset my schools, friends, environemnt, thats out of my system. So here's where the titans collide. Probably around May to the very latest June, she will leave. To Oregon or thereabouts with Joel.

Fast forward to about right after XMas:
Joel has crashed here on his way to hands on training with wild animals in FL. Shit happens and that falls through, and he's crashing here for a bit. I'm not entirely sure why, but am long past caring to ask. He's a nice guy. I like him alot. We have hella lot in common. And he treats Kat awesomely. But for the past week all she's done is cuddle with him on the couch. I've felt like a third goddamn wheel for a week now in my own house. But who can I be mad at? Kat? While yeah, she's going to see him everyday for I'm sure quite awhile, they connect on levels that her and I don't. Joel? I can't blame him any more then I can blame her. Fate? Shit, i've been blaming fate for alot of things before this.

So I guess it boils down to the fact that i am tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I don't want to look over from the computer and see them and get angry. No, angry isn't the word to describe it. I can't think of a word for it. I can only describe: a fury so fundamental that it would burn the world were I not to bottle it up. And that frightens and depresses me. When you strip away my humor, my emotions, my humanity, is this what I am? A blast furnace of blinding, seething fury?

So it's come to this. I've fallen out of love with Kat. I've tried to somewhat dissassciate from her, but the bitterness keeps showing itself. So this way I don't hurt because I'm not in love with her anymore. Yeah I still love her, but I don't want to fly into a murderous rampage every 5 minutes now. Or cry until I can't cry anymore and THEN fly into a murderous rampage.

When he goes, will I fall back in love with her? Hard to say. I think I can, but I guess only time will tell.

Mark Collie - In Time

I can hear what you're thinking,
All your doubts and fears,
And if you look in my eyes, in time you'll find,
The reason I'm here.

And in time all things shall pass away,
In time, you may come back someday.
To live once more, or die once more,
But in time, your time will be no more.

You know your days are numbered,
Count them one by one,
Like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
You can outrun the devil, if you try,
But you'll never outrun the hands of time.

In time there surely, come a day
In time all things shall pass away,
In time you may come back some say.
To live once more, or die once more,
But in time, your time will be no more.

Godsmack - Voodoo
Candles raise my desire
Why I'm so far away
No more meaning to my life
No more reason to stay
Freezing feeling, Breathe in--Breathe in
I'm coming back again
I'm not the one who's so far away
When I feel the snake bite enter my veins
Never did I wanna be here again
And I don't remember why I came
Hazing clouds rain on my head
Empty thoughts fill my ears
Find my shade by the moon light
Why my thoughts aren't so clear
Demons dreaming
Breathe in--Breathe in
I'm coming back again
VooDoo, I'm not the one
who's so far away
I can hear what you're thinking.

Moods

2005-12-04T19:00:08Z

I have been real moody lately; going from incredibly depressed to seriously pssied off. At Kat, at myself, at my job; everything. I don't want to run to alcohol, but it is sooo tempting. What a convinient way to hurt myself without anybody really knowing about it.

Maybe today.

A Simple Plan

2005-11-22T04:26:35Z

Alright Ladies and Gentlemen, I have... A PLAN! A plan for my future. It's going to sound stupid, but hear me out. I'm going to go to college again. Simple plan right? But here's why it's so fiendishly clever of me:
#1. I've decided to take up a CompSci course, I just have to decide which one will work, like a networking focus, a security focus, an engineering focus, etc. While I enjoy using computers and sometimes don't necessarily enjoy working on them, I can't deny that i don't have a skillset that could be very, very polished.
#2. By going into a Computer skillset, I am extremely marketable. Whether or not I leave with Kat, businesses will need someone with computer skills, and I will be that much more noticible for part time jobs that I am gonna need if I settle down somewhere for a few months at a time. At the very minimum I could go freelance Geek Patrol wherever I go.

Am I giving up on being a chef? Well, yes and no. I've come to the conclusion that the chances of me maintaining my current lifestyle through culinary arts is less likely then a computer career. But I still plan on taking culinary classes as I still enjoy cooking immensely. Unlike my normal plans, I view this as a work in progress and I will leave myself open to change.

I'm doing this for two reasons: I don't want my own fears of keeping myself where I am at to keep me from being with Kat wherever she goes; and even if she is ready, I am not, and we break up, I still want to get out of here and go... somewhere cooler I suppose; and this I think is a big first step towards that goal.

I can't not live for myself, so I live for my love, or or I live for whatever my future holds. That is me.

Lately

2005-11-12T07:12:33Z

I've felt that I've let Kat down. That I am not doing something right, and that's why she's unhappy. THats why she wants to end it all instead of confronting me. Am I that scary?

I read her open diary today. I'm so drunk right now Ican't remember if I could or not. Nor did I care.

I'm losing her. One way or another. I'm sure of it.

And all I want to do is kill myself instead of face her.

Funny world huh?

The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions
And if I should fall from Grace with God
It wouldn't mean a fuck at all
I've traveled down that road before
All dies.
- Tim Skold
"All Dies"

Why do I feel this way if I am killing her inside? If I am subverting her? Do I need to push her away for her own good? Can I even push her away? I'm tired, but I have to figure this out.

It would help if she were here now though.

She went to a wedding with one of our friends.

It's all good. If I can keep the alcohol from overrunning my cowardice i'll be OK.

Is it possible to blame yourself and at the same time not? If not, I think I've just disproved that.

I hate me because I don't want to wrk and become what I want to be. I hate me because I wallow in my own despair like a pig in shit.

And I hate me because I'm killing her, and I don't want to let go.

What is wrong with me? Why do I put these walls up that only alcohol can knock down? And why don't I remeber my lessons? Is that my purpose in life, to destroy what I "love"?

Do I even know love? Or has everything been just some sick twisted way to fulfill a deathwish?

I feel about her like I've never felt about anyone before. But I have... dreams. Dreams where she dies. Dreams where I avenge her, sometimes at the cost of my own life.

Is that normal? Is my hero complex so bad that I'm creating this situation to punish myself?

I hate me.

I'd cut myself, but I am far to weak to do that.

I hate me.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one new me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Meh

2005-10-11T05:57:20Z

Another busy day today. I learned somewhat recently that my boss forgot about the retention bonus he offered everyone to keep the department together. Wow is that a big mistake, I think a couple of people are totally entertaining offers, probably with Pac Sun because of that. Me personally, notwithstanding my old boss coming back or the department dissolving; I'm staying. It's close and the hours don't kill too much, at least until recently. But it's nice to know that we are a top priority and all, given that a bonus, thought up by execs, got bloody forgotten about.

And beyond that I get saddled with the enviable task of maintaining our depot of supplies; which involve sending out, receiving, and RMA various pieces of Point of Sale equipment. Totally fucking fun, and get to spend 1 hour at the end of my shift and 2 hours after everyone else is off taking care of this shit. The other guy who can do it as well, doesn't want too or can't take the extra time from his schedule to help out. He almost seems like a fucking waste of space, if it's outside his scope of work, he gives you shit about it. And I tend not to ask for help unless I totally can't handle something.

But fuckall, i'm getting paid OT. I'm just getting tired of doing three peoples' jobs.

Ordinary World

2005-08-30T04:28:20Z

Well, I have something interesting to say finally. In addition to getting a new car, Ford Taurus SES 2001 (major w00t!), my boss being fried, maybe going to work for Casablanca as a manager(or maybe not), I've been trying to get ahold of a friend of mine I hadn't talked to for a bit. Last I heard, her and her boyfriend were doing well, but had their share of problems some what recently. Maybe I was a bit overzealous as I tried calling her a couple of times in a single day, but I hadn't heard from her at all recently, and I left her a voicemail saying hey whats up and all that junk. Well her boyfriend, who she had described as the typical Jealous type, calls my cell several times last night, and when Kat picks up demnds to speak to me even though I am asleep for a bit of an early morning. He proceeds to tell me that my friend doesn't want to speak to me, is afraid of me, and makes vague "promises" (read: threats) to my safety if I continue to "harass her at work or wherever." So it being almost midnight and the non-confrontational guy that i am, I say whatever, I was just seeing if she was cool and wondering how everything was going, and when I didn't hear back I got worried. Because I am a friend, or so I thought. Guess not anymore. Wish I was told by my "friend" that instead of getting vague threats against me. Plus I really had to calm down Kat as she felt I let it slide way too much. And while I am really, really hurt to lose a friend over something I am pretty sure I didn't do, I let shit like that slide to the floor, and I'm like what, is that it? Next.

P.S. Janet email me your number again. After much phone swapping I lost it. Maybe in the next month or so we gotta get together for lunch or something. This time you can pay ;)

Aurora - Ordinary World

Came in from a rainy thursday, on the avenue,
Thought I heard you talking softly,
I turn on the lights, the TV, and the radio,
Still I can't escape the ghost of you,
What is happened to it all, crazy some say
Where is the life that i recognize, gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday,
There's an ordinary world,
Somehow I have to find,
And as I try to make my way,
To the ordinary world,
I will learn to survive.

Passion or coincidence
once prompted you to say
pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window
cross the rooftops runaway
Left me in the vaccuum of my heart

What is happening to me
crazy some will say
where is my friend when I need you most
gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive